A Word on Children

I was walking around today and suddenly a name cropped up in my head:

Dakota Fanning

Ok. I have a serious beef with this name. Sorry, Dakota, it's not your fault. Her parents must be sinister douche bags to give her a name like that. With a name like that, it is totally obvious that they were planning on turning her into a childhood star celebrity. As soon as she could walk, I'm sure they were busy whoring her out to talent agencies across the nation.

Shit-damn, this is the most insidious form of child abuse. I mean look little children like JonBenet Ramsey. That girl had to have had saccharine injections into her cheeks at the age of 3.

Now she's dead.

Why did she have to wear all those fancy dresses? Is that something she wanted to do in the first place? What if she wanted to run around the neighborhood? Get skinned knees? Drink chocolate milk and jump on the sofa? What the fuck is wrong with these people? Let kids be kids for christ's sake and quit forcing them into a lifestyle.

In light of this issue I have a proposal:

Any parents who raise their child in this manner will have their child forcibly taken from them. Vasectomies will be administered to the fathers, hystorectomies for the mothers. They will then be forced to inform their neighbors that they are terrible people who should not be allowed to be around children (a la Megan's Law). If any neighbor has a problem with them, they must be forced to move out. Meanwhile their children will be placed in the care of carefully screened, down-to-earth, loving parents who will allow them to grow and become individuals in society.

Please. Children are our future. I don't like it when our future takes 2 hours a day to have her hair done. Save them. Save us. Save Dakota.