Spooge!

Are you a kid who's bored of all the wussy toys on the market?

Do you need a toy that just has that extra something?

Have you ever fantasized about blowing your load all over your friends?

If so, then the all-new Oozinator™ is for you!


Now you can finally get your revenge by dumping a full litre of your man chowder all over your friends!

Just check out how fun it can be!

The Uncertainty of the Poem

Am I a poet?
I am fond of bananas.
I am a poem.

Holy shit I just added a whole new layer of mindfuck to that by making it a self-referential haiku. MiinnnnddFUUUcckKK.

Ok. You can stop that now.

Two things I noticed today. Traits which I really don't like in human beings:

1. When people smile all the time. Don't get me wrong. I love it when someone has a charming smile, even when they smile a lot, it's still great. But when you're smiling constantly? Jesus. I saw this toolbag walking on the street today with a smug grin on his face. That's fine, but my problem was that was probably the 5th time I've seen him in passing... it was also the 5th time I've seen him with that smile. Fuckin stop that shit, you goddamn abomination.

2. When people sigh all the time. Not sighing like they were pining for their lost love (though that shit gets old quickly as well), but sighing like things are sooooo difficult for them. That the world owes them something. Breaking news! The world owes you shit. So keep your goddamned mouth shut, you little bitch fucker, before I ram a plate in your mouth. Fucking obnoxious as shit.

Now this is all compounded when the person is obese. These traits effect the perception that I have with them. Things get really ugly. Let's review:

1. (APPLIES ONLY TO MEN) When a man with a very large belly smiles all the time, they look like a pedophile. Hands down. They have your little brother locked in a basement in Tampa. They also usually have to be wearing Bermuda shorts.

2. (UNISEX) When a fat person sighs all the time, it's like they're trying to sound like a victim. You self-pitying fucks, I'll victimize you but good.

Furthermore, ecology does not only have a natural aspect but...

What the...? How did I get here? I was diligently writing my paper when suddenly, BAM... I'm staring at the ol' Chastity Belt. But I'll admit, it's kind of a comforting feeling to find myself here. It's like that time I blacked out on New Year's and woke to find myself in a Wendy's having purchased a Spicey Chicken Sandwich Combo Meal; even when my brain shut off my body knew exactly what it needed to do. Later, I found out that I had herpes. True story.

And despite this, I've always been afraid to get hypnotized. The hypnotist that came to my highschool to perform every year always said "I can't make anyone do anything that is against their morals", but that's obviously a load of horseshit. He has to say that to cover his ass so when some underage girl starts doing naked jumping jacks he can blame it on her "loose moral fiber." But I've just never been able to take the chance that that underage girl might turn out to be me. My parents would be in the audience watching me in my birthday suit doing jumping jacks and lunges, naughty parts dangling all over the place, and then I'll cartwheel all the way to Wendy's and, somehow, my subconscious will know that I want a #6 Combo.

Then my parents will show up and apologize for my loose moral fiber to the employees and restaurant patrons, drape a sweater over me, and then pay for my food because they know I'll need it to console me once I see the video they took.

Titular?

Nah, just a couple of boobs.

French for?

"I am humbled before the majesty of these titular Tetons"

Speaking of Tit.

I've always gotten at least one jolly from the word "titular". We should really lobby to have its definition changed to "Like or resembling a tit". No one uses it for its regular meaning anyway.

Par example:

"These melons are quite titular!"

"I am humbled before the majesty of these titular mountains."

"The titularity of these mashed potatoes is quite extraordinary."

I'll get a petition worked up guys. Our cause will not fail.

The Kids are Asleep

Yeah. Get your jollies out here, you whores. Our subtitle reads "protecting your innocence since 2006." That might confuse some, but what we're doing is giving a place to occupy your vice so it doesn't rip the shit out of your precious innocence. I mean, even the word "chastity" has the word "tit" in it (so does subtitle, for that matter).

So keep that up, dear citizens of the world.

Oh hell yes.

Hi, May We Help You?

Welcome to our new blog. We pledge to ruffle your feathers and push your buttons, in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part. We're gonna kick it oldschool with some newschool beats and throw in some shit you ain't even ever thought of before.

But seriously, consider us your chastity belt. We're the dark, secluded place you keep all your naughty bits so you can go off and interact with the world as God meant you to: as a pure, unsullied virgin, never knowing the maddening, addictive taste of sweet, sweet love-making. So visit us often, because no one likes a slut. Especially not God. Do it for God.