Perhaps a bad idea?

I think someone over at Hasbro got the message that inseminating your friends' faces might be a little sketchy, so the commercial was pulled from their website (the link was in the article below). However, I don't think anyone should be left out in the dark about this one, so here's the orig commersh:



Ohhh yeah!

I'd still recommend checking this out

C'mon, get yo jizz on

A Word on Children

I was walking around today and suddenly a name cropped up in my head:

Dakota Fanning

Ok. I have a serious beef with this name. Sorry, Dakota, it's not your fault. Her parents must be sinister douche bags to give her a name like that. With a name like that, it is totally obvious that they were planning on turning her into a childhood star celebrity. As soon as she could walk, I'm sure they were busy whoring her out to talent agencies across the nation.

Shit-damn, this is the most insidious form of child abuse. I mean look little children like JonBenet Ramsey. That girl had to have had saccharine injections into her cheeks at the age of 3.

Now she's dead.

Why did she have to wear all those fancy dresses? Is that something she wanted to do in the first place? What if she wanted to run around the neighborhood? Get skinned knees? Drink chocolate milk and jump on the sofa? What the fuck is wrong with these people? Let kids be kids for christ's sake and quit forcing them into a lifestyle.

In light of this issue I have a proposal:

Any parents who raise their child in this manner will have their child forcibly taken from them. Vasectomies will be administered to the fathers, hystorectomies for the mothers. They will then be forced to inform their neighbors that they are terrible people who should not be allowed to be around children (a la Megan's Law). If any neighbor has a problem with them, they must be forced to move out. Meanwhile their children will be placed in the care of carefully screened, down-to-earth, loving parents who will allow them to grow and become individuals in society.

Please. Children are our future. I don't like it when our future takes 2 hours a day to have her hair done. Save them. Save us. Save Dakota.

Rehash.

In the event that we are forced to continue with the non-rhyming, non-denominational version of our piece, I propose we change the words anyway.

"Hallelujah, praise the Dodge Ram...
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, glory to the Windstar, Ford."

Where do our allegiances lie? Really, that would just confusing.

"Hallelujah, roast the yam...
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, glory to the great big gourd."

This one is much better. Food is a good consistent theme.

"Hallelujah, Jean-Claude Van Damme...
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, he's kind of a giant tool."

Yeah, I was wondering why I was taking things from both lists when I don't even have to rhyme... I can just say whatever the hell I want. How do you like them apples, Jean-Claude?

Dear Choir Director...

If you aren't in Glee Club, skip this post.

A letter to our director:

Donna,

Jon H, Hayden and I were sitting around eating some pizza and pondering the goings ons of various belief systems when realized that in Parker "praise the lord" doesn't quite rhyme with "the great I AM"... come to think of it, it doesn't rhyme at all.

We're sure you already know about this. Just in case, though, we came up with a few non-denominational suggestions:

"praise the ham/spam"
"praise the fam(ily)"
"praise the Dodge Ram"
"praise Frodo and Sam"
"roast the yam"
"happy as a clam"
"biggity blaam"
"Jean-Claude Van Damme"

oooorrr.... We could use "praise the lord" and change the second verse to:

"the great fjord"
"the great big gourd"
"the Windstar, Ford" (perhaps to counteract the Dodge Ram)
"the wooden board?"


I know you told us to totally forget about that until next week, but our busy minds couldn't be stopped (and it was an excuse not to do work).

Cheers!
N, J & H